Everything You Need to Know About Orgasm Denial

orgasm Control

Today we’re going to talk about a very common but often poorly understood kink. Many people are confused by the concept of orgasm denial, but many others are curious about trying it. Let’s dive in and explore why so many people get off on not getting off…

What is orgasm denial?

Orgasm denial is the practice of intentionally refraining from reaching orgasm for a period of time, for the purposes of heightening arousal. It is often practiced as part of a Dominant/submissive relationship, where the Dominant will not allow the submissive to orgasm – either for a set period of time, or as an ongoing “no orgasms without explicit permission” rule. Some people also engage in orgasm denial by themselves, challenging themselves to last a certain amount of time or just enjoying the build-up of arousal.

Is it the same thing as orgasm control?

Not quite. Orgasm control is an umbrella term that covers lots of different activities including orgasm denial, edging, orgasm-on-command training, and forced orgasms. These activities, or combinations of them, often go together – but they don’t have to.

What is edging?

Edging is the act of getting as close as possible to orgasm, and then stopping stimulation before climax is reached. It’s something you can do to yourself, or that someone else can do to you. Edging often goes alongside orgasm denial – for example, a Dominant might tell their submissive that they’re not allowed to orgasm for a period of time, but edge them (or instruct them to edge themselves) to increase their arousal and frustration.

What are forced orgasms?

Please remember that we’re using the word “forced” here in the context of a roleplay – everything done within sex and BDSM must always be consensual!

With that out of the way, a forced orgasm is where someone is stimulated in such a way that they can’t help coming even if they are trying to hold back. Forced orgasm might be a single orgasm, or it might be many in a row (the latter generally works better for people with vulvas, as it is pretty rare for folks with penises to be multi-orgasmic.) This can also stray into the realm of post-orgasm torment, where continued stimulation to the point of discomfort or pain after orgasm is part of the fun.

Not coming!? Why would you want to do that?

People are into orgasm denial and control for a wide variety of reasons.

For many people, granting their partner control over such a fundamental aspect of themselves – their sexual release – is the ultimate display of submission. Many subs enjoy giving up control of their orgasms because it taps into their submissive mindset and creates a kind of permanent sexual connection to their Dominant, while many Doms enjoy the feeling of power they get from having such an intimate kind of control. Submissives are also often more motivated to be well behaved and please their Dom if that person holds the key (literal or metaphorical) to their orgasm.

Refraining from orgasm also heightens sexual arousal to incredibly intense levels. A lot of denial enthusiasts enjoy this extreme arousal as an end in and of itself. One submissive described reaching such a peak of arousal through denial that her entire body became one giant sex organ. “My partner just had to touch me anywhere and I’d be dripping wet in moments!” she said.

For some people, denial is a form of masochism (playing with pain in a sexual context for the purposes of arousal.) “It hurts after a while, but I love it!” one enthusiast commented.

Another great reason to play with denial is it can make the eventual orgasm much more explosive. A period of orgasm denial can essentially function as a very long, drawn out form of foreplay. Edging, in particular, tends to lead to incredibly intense orgasms.

How does it feel to be denied an orgasm?

It’s slightly different for everyone, of course, because bodies are all different and respond in their own unique ways. For some people, it is characterised by heightened sensitivity to touch, both sexual and non-sexual. Others describe it as a kind of ache or even pain in their genital area.

Orgasm denial, especially when dragged out over a longer period of time, is a form of extreme sexual frustration. You might find yourself thinking about sex all the time, or finding things arousing that previously wouldn’t have done much for you.

Emotionally, many people find that denial puts them into a kind of ongoing subspace, which can be very enjoyable. Others experience a greater connection with their bodies, or a stronger sense of bond with their Dominant.

There can be downsides, though. Some people find that denial, or being denied for too long, can leave them feeling weepy, emotionally on edge, or even angry.

The most important think is to pay attention to where YOU are, physically and emotionally. If something stops feeling good, then you could stop or back off from doing that thing.

It’s important to note that the point where denial ceases to be enjoyable is different for everyone. For some people, this might be minutes or hours. For others, it will be days or weeks or months or even longer. It’s not a competition! If you dive into online communities of orgasm denial enthusiasts, you’re likely to see people competing – with themselves and each other – to go longer and longer and longer. This doesn’t have to be the goal! If you want to just play with it for a scene or for a day or two, that’s just as valid as doing it for months on end.

Is orgasm denial just for male submissives?

Absolutely not! Orgasm denial content is perhaps most often represented in a male submissive/female Dominant context, especially in porn, but people of all genders and sexualities can be (and are) into it.

What are chastity devices and where can I get one?

Chastity devices, or chastity belts, are worn on or around the genitals in order to prevent contact. Some are strong and secure enough to truly prevent the wearer from touching themselves, while others are more symbolic.

Chastity devices are more practical for people with penises. This is because they are locked directly onto the penis, generally don’t interfere with urination, and are not usually visible under clothing. By contrast, chastity belts for people with vulvas tend to be much bigger, much bulkier (and therefore harder to hide under clothing) and also much more expensive. In addition, it can be very hard for a person with a vulva to wash or use the bathroom while wearing a chastity device. However, if it’s something you want to play with, you can absolutely get creative and give it a go!

Truly functional chastity devices for people with vulvas tend to be made from stainless steel or similar metal. Symbolic devices (fun and sexy to wear but wouldn’t actually prevent a determined person from being able to touch themselves) are usually made of leather or faux-leather. Chastity devices for people with penises are typically made from either stainless steel or similar metal, hard plastic, or less commonly, silicone.

If you’re playing with chastity devices, it’s important to be mindful of some basic safety points: First, make sure that the wearer always has a spare key. This is vital in case of a medical emergency or other unforeseen situation. (If you want to make sure your submissive isn’t cheating, you can give them the key in a signed, dated and sealed envelope, and do spot-checks to make sure it hasn’t been opened!) Secondly, it’s important to completely remove the device frequently and wash it thoroughly in order to maintain good hygiene.

You can buy chastity devices from many online adult stores such as Lovehoney, Bondara and Shevibe, as well as from BDSM retailers such as Stockroom. There are also specialist manufacturers such as ChastityCo who will make you a device to fit your exact measurements, but you should expect to spend $500 – $1000 if you go down this route.

How do I tell my partner that I want them to deny me?

The best way to introduce your partner to any kink is to use your words and tell them what you want. Of course, this can be really daunting! One slightly lower-stakes way to test the waters can be to tell your partner about a fantasy you had, erotic story you read, or porn scene you watched which featured the kind of scenario that you’d like to try. You can even offer to share the story or clip with them, if they’re curious – or watch it together!

Ultimately, though, talking about it is always the best way to get started. If you’re engaging in kink together already, you’ll already know how to bring up a new kinky interest. Introduce the idea of denial exactly the way you’d introduce any other new activity.

If you and your partner are new to kink or haven’t tried much together, you’ll want to approach the subject gently and not overwhelm them in the first conversation. Try something like this: “I read a story where someone was forbidden to orgasm during sex, and it really turned me on! It got me thinking that I’d love to try having you tease me like that. Is that something that sounds hot to you?”

The key is to put as little pressure on your partner – and yourself – as possible. As with any other type of play, the goal should not be to jump into a 24/7 dynamic immediately. The first time you try playing with denial, it should be more along the lines of “can we try this out for the length of one scene?” than “let me be your permanent chastity slave!”

What’s a good way to get started in playing with this kink?

As with any other kink, the best way to start is to learn as much as you can and move slowly. Don’t be tempted to buy an expensive chastity device before you’ve even tried a denial scene (many people like it more in fantasy than they do in reality, and that’s absolutely fine if this is you!)

So watch some porn that focuses on denial, read some hot kinky erotica, and maybe even try it a bit by yourself before you try it with a partner. Exploring your denial kink can start with something as simple as edging yourself a few times before you let yourself orgasm during a masturbation session. You could also try setting yourself a denial goal (I recommend no more than a few days, possibly a week at absolute most, the first time.) if you don’t make it that long, don’t worry. The goal is just to see how it feels, see if you like it, and use this experience to guide your future play.

If you’re single and wanting to try playing with denial with somebody else, you have a couple of options. The first is to go into an online forum for denial enthusiasts and see if you can find someone there to play an online scene with. (Don’t just spam the forums with “who wants to deny me!?” though – engage, build up a presence, and be patient. It can take a little while before someone is willing to do a roleplay session with you.) And remember to follow all the usual rules of safety – don’t give out your real name, personal contact info, or any identifying details.

The second, and probably better, option is to go to a professional. This could be an escort, a Professional Dominant (Pro-Dom/Pro-Domme,) an online sex worker who will roleplay a scene with you in exchange for a fee, or even a phone sex worker. Professionals, especially if they’re experienced in kink and domination, know exactly how to build a scene that is incredibly hot while also keeping the submissive safe. Remember to be polite and respectful, tip well, and respect the stated boundaries with your service provider!

Some ideas to get you started…

Not all of these will appeal to everyone, of course, but you can try out the ones that sound good to you – and get creative in coming up with your own!

  • Tell your submissive they’re not allowed to come until they’ve gotten you off.
  • Tell your submissive they’re not allowed to come, and then try to force an orgasm out of them with a high-powered vibrator.
  • Create a rule that your submissive has to ask your permission every time they want to touch themselves.
  • Watch porn or read erotica and see how long you can last without touching your genitals.
  • Roll a 20-sided die and whatever number you get, edge yourself that number of times before allowing yourself to come.

Have fun!

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Amy Norton

Amy Norton is a British sex blogger, sexuality journalist, adult product reviewer and occasional erotica author. She is a queer feminist, a polyamorous swinger, and a submissive. Amy founded the website Coffee & Kink (coffeeandkink.me) in late 2016 and has bylines in Sex Tech Guide, Lovehoney's Headboard, Loving BDSM, Kink Academy, and many more.You can follow her on Twitter @CoffeeandKink and Fetlife @-CoffeeandKink-.

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