Planning a Kinky Hookup: What You Need to Know

It doesn’t matter if you’re looking for a bit of kinky sex or a full-blown kinky scene filled with latex, leather, whips, and chains — you need to do certain things every single time before you play. When you do, you and your partner both have a better chance of having fun. Even better, you don’t have to worry if everyone really consented or not later.

Here’s what you need to know when you’re planning a kinky hookup.

Decide Between Kinky Sex or a Fetish Scene

Some kinky hookups involve both sex and planning, but you need to be extremely clear about what’s happening. You might be expecting sex with a bit of spanking and hair-pulling. Your partner might show up with a flogger, a ball gag, and a butt plug. Both of you will be in for a big surprise once you realize what the other person wants.

If you’re looking for sex — penetrative, oral, whatever, say so. If you’ve got a hardcore BDSM scene in mind, say so. Ask your partner what they want, too. hookups, kinky or otherwise, shouldn’t be one-sided. Make sure both of you get what you want out of this. To do that, you’ve got to be on the same page about what you’re planning. Once you decide what you want, find a kinky sex site that fits your needs. 

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Talk about what you will and won’t do

You’re not entering into a long-term relationship — at least that’s not the plan. But that doesn’t mean you get to skip the communication, negotiation, and consent part of kink. Even something as quick and temporary as a hookup has to get clear, informed, and enthusiastic consent from both partners. So be prepared to talk about what you want from this encounter and find out what they want, too.

If certain activities are off-limits, say so. Don’t want to be spanked? Tell them. Hate pain? Say something. And make sure you both talk about what you do want from your hookup. Be clear about what you mean, too. Bondage can mean rope or it can be velcro cuffs and under-the-bed restraints. Spanking can be a bare hand on a bare butt or it can mean a caning, flogging, or paddling. Get detailed about what you want and what you don’t want.

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Talk about safety

Not everyone uses safewords when they get kinky. That means that “no” always means “no” if there’s no safeword. But if you prefer a safeword, make sure you both know what you’re using. Some people use the light or color system:

• Red means stop
• Yellow means slow down
• Green means keep going

Other people use special words like “pineapple” or “Spongebob Squarepants.” (We don’t judge. Do you.) Whatever it is, both of you need to know what it will be and agree to use it.

If you’re playing with ball gags or if one or both of you are deaf or have a hearing problem, come up with a safe gesture or signal. This could be letting go of something in your hand or tapping your partner a certain number of times. There’s no right or wrong option — it just has to be something you’ll both remember.

When you’re topping, don’t rely on a safeword or gesture. Check-in during the scene, and ask how they’re doing or if you can keep going. For new hookups, you can’t rely on “knowing” the other partner or even their safeword. When in doubt, ask.

Talk about aftercare

Aftercare isn’t just for “hardcore” BDSM people, and it’s not just for long-term relationships. When you get kinky with a partner, it can be mentally, emotionally, and physically draining — for both of you. Whether you’re topping your partner or you’re the bottom, aftercare needs to be part of your conversation before you hook up with each other.

Some people don’t want anything other than for their partner to make sure they’re okay. A follow-up call or text a few days later, and they’re fine. Other people need water, food, and a blanket — and if they’re not able to get it for themselves, they need a partner’s help. If you can take the time to flog someone or pour hot wax all over them, you can take the time to get them a bottle of water and put a blanket around their shoulders.

Figure out where you’ll meet

In a perfect world, you’ll meet in person before you plan your kinky hookup. This is where you can talk about all the details and make sure you’re both comfortable with the scene you want to have. If you have this option, get together in a neutral location — a coffee shop or at your local munch.

If this hookup is being planned online, you might not have that option. Meeting to play with a stranger should still happen in a place where both parties feel safe. Local BDSM dungeons or sex clubs may be the perfect option. If that kind of location isn’t available, set up a safe call with a trusted friend. Give them the address of where you’ll be and how long you should be there. Check-in with your friend at specific times — before and after your scene. If your friend doesn’t hear from you by a designated time, they can come to you or call the police.

Kink is fun…lots of fun. Whether it’s kinky sex or a BDSM scene filled with fetish gear, the whole point is to have a good time. But kink comes with inherent risks like physical harm and psychological pain. No matter how much experience you have in the kink scene, you have to be smart and safe whenever you want to hookup with anyone, but especially someone new.

To have the best possible outcome for both partners — and maybe find a new play partner to hookup with again — kink responsibly. Take the time to negotiate exactly what you want and don’t want. Ask questions. Listen to your partner. Play safely and take care of each other. Even if you don’t play again later, you’ll have an experience you’ll probably never forget. Make sure it’s a good one.